When Samuel was 6 he asked himself if other people were like him. It wasn’t a satisfying answer, because nobody is like anybody. His small body struggled against the inexperience that is natural to someone of his age to find what he really wanted to know. Something clicked for Samuel right then, and he looked up and focused on empty space and asked, “Do other people ask questions and know the answer?” Samuel knew then they didn’t, and at that moment he knew that he was alone in having the answers to the question he asked, but only if it was a right question. This helped him understand his struggle with other kids, because part of friendship is struggling together. When Samuel knew what was going to happen he never shared in the triumph of success or failure.
Samuel was born in 1972 in the most normal of circumstances. Nothing was noteworthy until he was about 2 years old and starting to form words. Samuel’s parents noticed a detached boredom in Samuel, but not any slowness. He kept up with the other children, but stood aside from them. Part of the joy of children is the surprise and delight, as their faces light up when a concept connects and they learn. Samuel was never surprised to learn things. When other children were delighted as the unknown became known, Samuel moved quickly on to the next task. Occasionally there was a rare moment when Samuel was surprised by something he didn’t know, his delight was powerful. His teachers and his parents both would try, again and again, to delight him. Eventually they gave up trying to make the small child happy and let him be, abandoning him to find his own surprises.
When Samuel was in his early teenage years he understood his ability to simply know. It all hinged on if he could get the right question, which he often couldn’t. A bad question wouldn’t give an answer but the worst questions would cause an answer he couldn’t understand. These questions could hurt him, his breath would go and he would gasp as he brain wasn’t able to cope. He avoided those questions that could be too big and focused more, building an understanding of the right type of question he could ask with ease and confidence.
The right question had a specific answer, and the comfort that followed when knowledge was suddenly there. This new knowledge felt the same as any lived memory, and about this time he became consciously aware that the answers could include things that hadn’t happened yet. This opened new possibilities for Samuel’s life. Soon after, Samuel opened bank accounts and started a path towards financial freedom, with the hope that this path would lead him to figure out his strange place in this world.
Samuel was always bothered by not knowing what to ask. He resented his lack of creativity, perhaps because he rarely had to be creative and never developed that skill. He always fixated on what was meaningful, but small enough that his mind could absorb. He did what most do when they’re confused by the world and its expectations for us. He set out to travel, explore, and see more. Samuel used his talent to pave a smooth highway through a risky world, removing the obstacles in front of him. It was a great relief never having to worry about money or accidents. If he had to worry about these things, he would have never ventured out. It never occurred to Samuel that overcoming difficulties was a regenerative source of the wisdom he desperately craved.
Samuel spent his time exploring, and trying to find a way to fit in against a world that he understood just by thinking. Perhaps his personality would have benefited someone without this gift, or the gift benefited someone with a more ambitious personality. As it was, Samuel was content. He was never happy but not unhappy, he went through life with enough of what he wanted and worried to think for more.
The pursuit of what to ask drove him as he learned more and more of the people around him, but what held him up is the lack of questions that the people asked. In 2004, Samuel landed in Rome and to introduce some level of chance in life and partly a game, he got into a taxi without knowing anything about it or the driver. This taxi and its driver were like most others, and the disappointment swept over Samuel. When people leave their work they become real people but in their job they fulfill a role and wear it as an unbreakable costume. The taxi driver performed the role well, a shallow local guide to be helpful but not too helpful. Samuel never could break through this and move into any deeper conversation, and he envied the people who had this skill.
Samuel didn’t know what to expect from this trip, no more so than he did for any other. He was simply wandering and his mind went with him. As he sat looking out over the Apennines, he thought again of the one question he knew was too big for him. He sat down and mustered a bit of courage and asked the world when he would die. As he sat waiting for the answer his gift ended along with him. His death was as quiet as the impact of his life.